Hloidays Suck

This is what a Happy Holiday
looks like


It has been awhile since I posted and for good reason. I always try to have a lesson learned or a good spin on something before I post. Today I don't.

First was Fathers Day. Fathers day was the hardest holiday I have ever had to go through because everyone kept telling me that I am such a good father and that Maddie loves me. If I am so good then why don't I have her. What did I do in my life to deserve losing my daughter. On Fathers day I felt like I was a little closer to her so it hurt that much more.

Now it is Fourth of July and once again everyone is getting together and doing things and we don't have our pride and joy. I have been trying to organize going to Splashtown or Schliterbahn waterpark this whole past week and no one was able to go with us. I told Kellie it really sucks now because when we can't get together with friends, I get angry. I like getting together with friends for many reasons but most of all because it helps me forget for a little bit the pain that is in my chest every day.

It didn't matter when we had Maddie with us when we were unable to hang out with friends because she was the only thing that mattered then. I never wanted to be away from Maddie or Kellie and I still don't. That is why it hurts so terribly bad because I can never be close to my daughter again.

So for now I hate holidays. I hate not being busy. I can't just relax anymore. My mind is always racing. I want to scream and cry...I want to understand. Some days are better than others but today sucks.

I want to apologize to my wife Kellie because most of the time when I am feeling down about Maddie I don't talk to her. I am a typical "guy" and I hold it in. I tell myself to man up and move on with the day. I am sorry honey if I have made it tough on you. I love you with all my heart and can not believe that this happened to us. I am glad that god gave me you to help me deal with this situation.

God Bless
~James