Sunday, July 3, 2011

Hloidays Suck

This is what a Happy Holiday
looks like


It has been awhile since I posted and for good reason. I always try to have a lesson learned or a good spin on something before I post. Today I don't.

First was Fathers Day. Fathers day was the hardest holiday I have ever had to go through because everyone kept telling me that I am such a good father and that Maddie loves me. If I am so good then why don't I have her. What did I do in my life to deserve losing my daughter. On Fathers day I felt like I was a little closer to her so it hurt that much more.

Now it is Fourth of July and once again everyone is getting together and doing things and we don't have our pride and joy. I have been trying to organize going to Splashtown or Schliterbahn waterpark this whole past week and no one was able to go with us. I told Kellie it really sucks now because when we can't get together with friends, I get angry. I like getting together with friends for many reasons but most of all because it helps me forget for a little bit the pain that is in my chest every day.

It didn't matter when we had Maddie with us when we were unable to hang out with friends because she was the only thing that mattered then. I never wanted to be away from Maddie or Kellie and I still don't. That is why it hurts so terribly bad because I can never be close to my daughter again.

So for now I hate holidays. I hate not being busy. I can't just relax anymore. My mind is always racing. I want to scream and cry...I want to understand. Some days are better than others but today sucks.

I want to apologize to my wife Kellie because most of the time when I am feeling down about Maddie I don't talk to her. I am a typical "guy" and I hold it in. I tell myself to man up and move on with the day. I am sorry honey if I have made it tough on you. I love you with all my heart and can not believe that this happened to us. I am glad that god gave me you to help me deal with this situation.

God Bless
~James

11 comments:

Susan said...

James, I read your wife's blog daily and I just wanted you to know that I am deeply sorry for your loss. I am continuing to pray for you both.

Catherine said...

im so sorry todays been hard.my heart hurts for you everyday.i wish we could do something to take away the pain. i wish that all the time.yall r so strong. be there for kellie and tell her how your feeling...shes the only one on the planet who can understand and she needs you. you guys are awesome together. i love you both. hugs.

BjMyAngel said...

I love the picture of you and Maddie from Christmas. That is truly a picture of pure happiness. I pray that one day you and Kellie are able to find happiness like that again. Hugs to you both!

Kellie Staats said...

We CAN do this. I love you!

Simply Shannon said...

Screaming, crying, being silent, being angry and hurting are all exactly the right way to express how YOU feel. No person has the right to tell you how to express your grief, especially now, when it's so very new. You and Kellie are in my prayers daily - I pray that you will love yourselves and each other, cherish your shared memories and keep looking to the day when Maddie's memory is sweet, without the bitter.

Jennifer said...

My heart aches for you and Kellie every day. I can't know what you're going through, or comprehend your pain, but I do know that you should grieve however you need to, however you can. It's evident from your wife's blog how much you have been her strength through this terrible time. Let her be your strength too. Even typical "guys" are allowed to cry and question why. I hope and pray that your pain will ease soon. You are both loved by so many strangers, and you, Kellie, and sweet Maddie have touched countless hearts and lives. <3 and peace to you.

celticprincess said...

James, I read Kellie's blog daily and my heart hurts for the two of you. You both love your little girl do much and it is so unfair she is not here with you. I don't think there is anything anyone can say to make you feel better. You are both so strong for continuing to blog after your loss.

Donna said...

Hi James, I am not sure if you remember me but I comment often on Kellie's blog. I want you to know deep deep down in your heart and your head that you did NOTHING!! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG to "deserve" Maddie being taken from you.....even though it may FEEL like it. The Bible states "Time and unforeseen circumstance befalls us all"....thereby proving that we do not have any control when it comes to life and death (as in what happened to Maddie), also in Revelations there is a promise from God...."and He will wipe out every tear from their eyes and death will be no more..neither will pain nor outcry...the former things have passed away"...so someday Death will no longer have it ugly hold on us! In the meantime we have to deal with the extreme pain of devastating loss!!! And my heart aches for you and Kellie!! As I have told Kellie...the feelings you have right now ARE a normal part of the grieving process....how stale those words are!!...cause we did NOT ask nor WANT to have to go through this "process"!!! But please know that in time you will get used to the gaping hole in your heart and life WILL go on...less bright for awhile but none the less it will go on and you will ALWAYS ALWAYS have the wonderful memory of Maddie with you!! that will in time bring comfort to you and your heart....Maddie will NEVER EVER be forgotten!!! It's okay to keep Maddie's room as it is...it is where you feel closest to her...where she was safe and loved and she felt and knew that love you both have for her...I told Kellie that Time would be her best friend AND her worst enemy...best friend for as time goes on the pain "dulls" somewhat and enemy cause as it goes on...it is further from the times when you were able to hold and kiss Maddie...I am beyond sorry for you to go through this process!! I don't know if this will help you or not but when I think of my losses...I try to think of how I felt about my babies when I found out I was pregnant...overjoyed is one small way I felt..enriched also...but those babies were never born....But I would NEVER give up the experience of havng them in my life for however briefly they were with me.....don't you feel the same about Maddie?..as extremely hard as it was to lose her....look at how enriched your lives have been with her being a part of it, Those memories and feelings are what get me through my darkest times...maybe the positve things Maddie brought to your lives can help you get through your darkest hours? I hope my words and feelings can ease your hearts somewhat...I think of you guys every day and hope that you are coping well...and keep you in my prayers so that you may find peace an comfort for your hearts!!...as always you are n my prayers...
donna from California
dvidal1018@gmail.com (too much spam on the yahoomail site)
530-521-9267, (just in case you need to vent or scream or cry or whatever) May you soon find peace!

Niceysmiles said...

I enjoy reading your wife's blog also. Im glad to be following yours. Its nice to see a guys perspective even though there really isnt one in my situation. Ive been having a tough July thus far. I hope we can all find a little peace one day. My heart hurts for you and Kellie as I am I dealing with the same sorta thing. I miss Tristan soooo much. Its hard even because I dont have someone to lean on. Im glad you guys have eachother. No one deserves to be alone.

Laura said...

You didn't do anything to have Maddie taken away. You are a great father and you will be an awesome father to the future kids that you and Kellie will have. Your family is in my prayers everyday!

tanyab88 said...

Thank for writing this blog. On Dec. 15th 2009, my husband and I lost a son. He was only fifteen days old. My husband and I thankfully beat the odds, and were able to grow stronger with the loss of Jaden and not grow apart. It's nice to get a guy's point of view on grief. Lately, my husband doesn't really like to talk about Jaden anymore and I'm not sure why. We have two kids now, Jadens twin brother Ryan and a daughter named Makenzie. Whenever I mention Jaden, he tends to change the subject. Or if I ask him to go to his grave with me, he usually says no. I feel like he almost wants to forget that Jaden ever existed. In my heart, I feel that's not true but I just don't know. Is this just a typical "guy" thing or do you think it hurts him to much?
Thanks
Tanya